Tuesday, August 16, 2011

0 The 7 Most Played-Out Scenarios You'll Find in Free Porn

The possibilities for porn scenarios are limitless, though nobody who films it seems to know that. Over the years, the same highly
improbable scenarios keep popping up (pun intended), leaving those who get turned on by originality severely disappointed. The following
scenarios should be retired forever into the Porn Hall of Lame.

1. Teacher & Student

 Teacher & Student
One of the most prominent porn scenarios of all-time also happens to be the one most frowned upon
by the general public.
For some reason, watching a slutty young "student" who sucks at math try to improve her grade by
sucking something else is perfectly hot and acceptable while in the porn world, but when it's in the
real world it is heinous and awful.
Why is the world so judging of those who clearly watch porn for all of the real life answers? Probably
because these movies play off of the typical adolescent fantasy about boning a hot teacher, and NOT
off of the mid-life-crisis fantasy of boning a hot student. Whatever the reason, this scenario should be
retired forever, as it is both overplayed and kind of creepy when you think about the number of sex
crimes in America.

2. Doctor & Patient

 Doctor & Patient
Not only is the doctor/patient, patient/nurse, or doctor/nurse scenario completely overdone, but there
is nothing about it rooted in real life.
Chances are good that the average trip to the doctor will result in some poking, prodding, squeezing,
and even the occasional finger in the ass, but will NEVER result in the sort of hot, sexy action that we
see in porn. Perhaps decades of being bent over by the medical industry is to blame for creating a
perverted sex fantasy in the American mind where doctors either finish the job or get a taste of
their own medicine.
Whatever the case, this sort of action is not covered by your HMO, which is why it is time to properly
dispose of this scenario.

3. Job interview

Job interview
A classic porn scenario that has been around forever, this set-up involves an attractive woman or
man seducing their soon-to-be boss, giving a job in the hopes of getting a job. While this may be
how the corporate world works for some, the need to retire this scenario has never been greater.
With the economy in the worst shape it has been in 50 years, the average employee will do whatever
it takes to get ahead of their competition. If these people turn to porn for inspiration, we could be on
the brink of the biggest STD outbreak the country has ever seen. Porn not only has a creative
responsibility to retire this scenario, but they also have a huge moral obligation to do so as well. It
would be in America's best interest for pornographers to replace these films with stories of bosses
calling references and comparing educational backgrounds, and sex ensuing from there, as it could
be the missing spark our country needs to get back on top of the global economy.

4. The House Call

 The House Call
This scenario has taken many forms; sexy plumber, sexy pizza guy, sexy cable repairman, etc.
However all of these scenarios need to be either retired, or made to be far more accurate.
Imagine this... a scantily clad woman gets a phone call. It's the cable guy letting her know that he'll
be there to service her between 8am and noon. She becomes incredibly hot with anticipation.
Somewhere around 7:30pm the doorbell rings. She opens it to reveal two dudes in their 40's
wearing hard hats and baggy work clothes covered in roofing tar. Four hours later her TV signal still
doesn't work and she's changed into track pants and a t-shirt...
Not exactly Penthouse Forum, is it?
While most porn scenarios aren't real-world accurate, this one isn't even close, which is why it
should be shut down forever.

5. "Hidden" Camera

 Hidden Camera
While voyeurism is a relatively common and far more socially acceptable fetish than most, nothing
is harder to watch than poorly staged "hidden camera" videos.
While you can be certain that crazy things have happened in crazy places, the idea of a two
strangers meeting and having completely spontaneous sex in an elevator, dressing room or phone booth
is ridiculous. What's more ridiculous is that the people inside don't notice the multiple "security"
cameras aimed at their crotches. Although these movies are geared towards people who like to
watch, it would be far more interesting to watch hidden camera footage of people stealing in a
dressing room or picking their nose in an elevator.

6. Damsel in Distress

 Damsel in Distress
These movies earn the "leap in logic" award more than any other on the list. While the scenarios
may be believable, the outcomes are not.
In the real world, people are kidnapped. They are held hostage. They are robbed. They are put in
a position where they face real danger. However the day that the 5 o'clock news reports that an
armed gunman was subdued and arrested thanks to the graphic sexual advances of a bank
employee is the day these scenarios should be allowed back into the industry. Until then, keep sex
and guns 50 yards from each other at all times.

7. "Stranger" on the Street

 Stranger on the Street
Perhaps the newest of the scenarios on this list, no set up got older faster than the "pick up a
stranger from the street" technique.
It is rare to see a beautiful woman wearing next to nothing walking down the street in the middle of
the day. It is even rarer for that woman to stop to talk to a van full of creepy dudes, and it is next to
impossible for that woman to also happen to be hair and make-up ready and freshly waxed. The day
she gets in that van and has sex on camera is the day college men everywhere quit school and go
van shopping.


Although pornography may be the true great American pastime, it suffers from a significant lack of originality. While these scenarios all had their triumphant moments, it is time to retire them and challenge the industry to get creative. Perhaps the next great porn scenarios take place in an unemployment line, or on the moon. Where ever it may be, it is time to find the next and retire the rest.


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